Time has long gone drifted by
and it's been forever since
I land here again to share little bits
of what I think are right and wrong.
I don't think I'll linger here anymore
because I have found my 
bearings once again.
On my own, I know where
I'm going and I know what
I'm doing, and I'm taking
absolute responsibility for my actions
and spoken thoughts.
I'll leave this up to here,
and I don't know when I'll come back,
but when I do,
you may or may not
expect me to change my mindset
in the things revolving around us
because this is who I am
and I'll keep it this way
until both you and I are sick of it.
Thank you for reading my
poured statements
and I'm always sorry if
my words stabbed you hard
somewhere deep within.
Just like you, I am imperfect
and I make mistakes anytime
and anywhere, but I
reflect and I try to be better.
It's been a lovely journey here
and I'm so glad to be able to
experience this world for so long.
I am alive,
I am well,
and I am happy.
Until then, take care
and goodbye.


You cannot tell a girl off after she bought her very first two pairs of Tempos. She had worn it during
the daylight and night, conscious, restless and a little bit ashamed. But for the first time in a while, she
had been very confident, ultimately sure, and obviously proud of something she always think she
lacks and dislikes. You cannot scold her without knowing the reason why she suddenly bought them
without your (or anyone else's) consent. She had been sick of her own insecurities, and if she tells you
this, you cannot claim her statement as something idiotic or childish because you never know how it
feels to be thigh-shamed ever since her childhood. You never know because you don't even care about
it; you never know because she never tells you about it. Why not? She knows that you'll think they're
stupid and that she's been self-centered. It's never wrong to be self-centered about self-esteem once in a
while, and yet you, as someone who is so close and so dear for her, never tell her this because you
always think it's irrelevant. But it actually is because you never know how she once had severe suicidal
thoughts and yet she never tells you this (as ever) because she's sorry for you. The Tempos didn't do
her wrong; she never wore it anywhere but her own sanctuary, and she found love in the hatred she has
for her own body. You never know because all you (and everyone else) can ever think of is how
free-spirited she is and that she doesn't know how to take care of herself. Yes, it's true. She doesn't
because nobody teaches her how to love her own body the way it is. It's sad because it's usually
someone as important as you who would encourage others like her to love themselves. This is
something you always do; you'd scold her and get furious at her when she sometimes does things you
(and everyone else) dislike, but you never try to find out the reasons why she did them. She didn't do
them out of blind thirst; she did them to let go of her insecurities. She's teaching herself things which
you (and everyone else) never do because she knows that you (and everyone else) will never teach her
a thing since they're deemed unimportant and time-wasting.  It lasted for only three days and three
nights, halted by hushed malicious whispers behind her back and a lot more nonsensical scolding from
you, but she had been the happiest and the most confident then. You (and everyone else) obviously
don't know this, but her Tempos literally saved her sanity and life.


"You seem bored all the time."
Let's be real, I couldn't agree less.
I'm not exactly bored too,
I always knew that something is missing.
Every days have no schedule,
every days have no prior plans.
Every days are flawless
and perfect
and I am always thankful for them.
Waking up, eating, attending classes,
hanging out with the squad,
interacting with people,
lots and lots of praying,
dreaming and hoping,
smiling, laughing,
mourning, frowning,
reading books, writing out thoughts,
watching Studio Ghibli movies,
go shopping with the
prettiest girls on the block,
taking showers and lifetime baths,
cuddling cats, more praying and wishing,
contemplating things, sleeping.
Everything and everyone I see everyday are the
same old kinds, the same old stuffs, the same
old friends and families, the same old.
They're monotonous and constant and stable,
and yet I want more.
I don't want rocky roads or rollercoaster rides,
I want more sparks to the fire,
more stars and clouds on my night and day skies,
I just want more.
I am in desperate need of someone completely new,
who has no absolute connections
to the people I know
for so long, who will completely
sweep me off my feet
by surprise, who will effortlessly
scrape me off the concrete,
who has the ability
to show me something different
and something I have never experienced before.
I just want to find that
missing chip of puzzle
and use it to improve myself as a person,
use it for other people's benefits,
use it to help myself
and help others,
use it not merely as a stepping stone to success
but as a chance to experience
an experience.
Will you help me look for it, too?
Pretty please?


current mood:


There'll be times when you
come across something that immensely
appeals you, and you decided
overnight to like it. You'd approach
it enthusiastically, with positive
vibes here and there, and you'd
play with it once or twice
to see if it's worth your fragment of
happiness. It eventually does, and
you'd lose yourself in
the feeling of being high because
of it. And you'd be soaring
with it high, so high that
you misuse it. You'd unintentionally
create a mistake, of course,
a mistake which got you scolded
by the society because you've
been losing yourself
in its fake joy. You'd hate it
because it made you miserable,
you'd leave it alone and let
time heal you agonizingly. You'd
come back and grab
that thing you once loved so much,
but you'd realise how much it has
lost its appeal because it didn't
love you back; it betrayed you
and it brought trauma upon you.
You'd have this push-pull
relationship with it; you'd throw it
aside when better things come to
you, and you'd keep it close
with you when you don't have
anything else in your hands.
Everyone's like that,
including you and me,
and I pity the both of us
and the rest of them
for being such damsels in distresses.




Sitting by the porch alone thoughtlessly makes me realise how January is already coming to its very end
and I still haven't found out what to do or what to correct in 2015. To be challenged with a heavy
weight of responsibility was never expected, especially when I'm still stuck at this phase of not trusting
myself yet. Everyone around me kept on saying that I'm very much ready to be independent and live
the tough life alone, but I still don't believe that. I'm still a child at heart; I cling onto those who keep me
sane and alive, I tug on those who are already capable of living this life independently, I seek attention
from those who are already soaring so much higher than me. Every night, before I go to sleep, I'd be
there in bed with my eyes closed, trying my best to convince myself that I can do what adults usually
do, but I'd be awake in the morning, sitting up still with hazy vision and focused conscience about the
fact that I have failed to convince myself over and over again. It's still not a good start for the year, but I
know the reason why I'm trying so hard and I know the kindhearted people I want to repay. Maybe I
don't deserve happiness just yet because happiness is a blessing for those who have done outstanding
deeds in the past, but that's okay. Here I am, still living life just like all girls and people do, and even
though I'm not wholly satisfied with whoever I am and whatever I do yet, I am still living in content.
Life is magnificent. Alhamdulillah.